Welcome to my site. I have created this blog for a number of reasons; to use as a platform to share thoughts, ideas, observations, to teach subjects both seen and unseen. ‘Diary of an Observer’ came about as many people have messaged me asking me to continue to engage in teachings and share my experiences and observations. I have had initial resistance to ‘teaching’, as I don’t see myself as a teacher….and thought to myself “who am I to be a teacher?”, but then again, who am I NOT to be a teacher? There has been so much interest and kindness from complete strangers asking me to write, speak and communicate, I thought; well let’s try this and see what the response is…plus in my view the quality of the most of the ‘teachers’ out there is average at best (with a few, rare exceptions) and I know I have more useful and interesting experiences and observations that can actually make a difference in people’s lives. So the voice in my head settled on ‘Diary of an Observer’ – a happy medium that created a warm feeling behind my sternum and solar plexus. I’ve always been interested in wisdom and the noble existence we have as humans on this planet. I have always loved to share thoughts, feelings and teachings with friends…and I see this site as a natural extension of a circle of friends and wisdom seekers.
I was married to a woman (who from now on I will refer to as Black Swan) who has some public profile, as a spiritual teacher and self proclaimed ‘celebrity’ and ‘spiritual leader’. If you follow her work and read her blogs you’ll get her version of what went on and how we met and how we eventually parted ways. I prefer to remain silent on such matters preferring my private life to not be a z-list reality tv car crash..but so many half truths, lies and misleading versions of reality have been written about me and others, I now have to speak up and tell the truth. It seems she has no concern or care for the feelings of others and their experience in this whole tawdry saga, only for a self-righteous crusade preaching ‘authenticity’, which is ironic when you know the truth of this situation. But here is the sting for her: The very ‘fame’ Black Swan uses to attack and vilify others will turn on her, it already is doing so…….fame is a very disloyal friend. Black Swan has been open about her quest for fame, riches and celebrity, but then again she couldn’t hide it if she tried. Those that seek it are seeking to fill a void in themselves that they believe will give them the recognition and respect they desperately seek, and in her case a false sense of security. The more fame they get, the more the cavernous void in their chest opens up into their being, and the more they seek to fill that hole, it never ends. It’s a Gollum type of existence and not pretty to observe close up.
Where to begin? There is so much to share, but we have time and are connected now, so all will come now in good time. I will start with clearing up a couple of things that make me look like a fool and in English slang a ‘mug’. Black Swan wrote a blog a few months that she and her partner, a man I will refer to from now on as Gecko had feelings for each other from the moment they met, which incidentally is a few weeks after we were married. This is a lie and her attempt to paint a ‘romantic picture’.
To start with, here are some of the facts to clear up misconceptions and lies that have been promoted:
- Gecko was pursuing Black Swan from the moment they met (Jan/Feb 2014). Professing a sleazy ‘love’ for Black Swan, while his wife and children were at home in San Francisco, and we were newlyweds.
- I have no respect for men that cheat on their wives, especially if they have carried their children. Any man that is not loyal to the mother of his children, has no loyalty to anyone.
- Black Swan after every meeting with him, would mock his accent and refer to him as ‘Vile’ and ‘Sleazy’, regularly. But was still happy to receive his gifts and attention.
- Our marriage did not ‘unravel’ after 2 weeks due to incompatibility or my ‘emotional unavailability’, but because I saw an email Black Swan had sent to her ex just 2 weeks into our marriage talking about the sex she had with him and flirting with him. An ex she also vilified as a ‘sociopath’, months before on her blog. When I read this I felt something within me tear and I realised that I’d made a mistake in marrying her. She was not the person I had thought she was, and at the time we were in California to meet her publisher.
- The situation with Gecko was only one of many. The Prague conference organiser (at that time hopelessly in love with her) was told while I went to get some drinks and returned to an awkward silence between a handful of people that they had a ‘past life connection, she was a queen and he was her king, also that she had dreamt of giving birth to his daughter’. All around 6 months into our marriage. It was another stab that confirmed to me that I needed to exit this marriage. This sort of nonsense may seem laughable and innoccuous but when a person has undue influence on others, it is important to be mindful of the impact your words and actions have on people, and she knew the affect it would have on him. I will say to this gentleman, you don’t know it but you had a lucky escape, she would have destroyed you and you are now with a decent, honourable and kind woman, you have a much healthier relationship than you ever would have with Black Swan.
- A very well known Hollywood actor ‘accidentally’ said he found her skype address as he said his stylist has the same name. I listened in the next room; as she was talking and he typed, they flirted with one another, talked about conspiracy theories, she was playing me down referring to me ‘as the guy I married’. They talked of skiing together in Park City – obviously one thing would have led to another, as it was the intention. She will do anything to achieve fame and an affair or infidelity (unless it happens to her) is insignificant. She was so desperate to talk to him she even offered to create a non disclosure agreement she would sign so HE felt comfortable talking to her. I was obviously tense and unhappy about this and many other things. BUT the perspective I had taken consciously after thinking through things very deeply was that which part of her is a damaged little girl and which part of her is a Narcissistic Sociopath? So, initially I took the perspective on this matter and others to ‘educate’ her. I let her know that movie stars have women throwing themselves at them at every turn, and they enjoy the fruits of their success. She is beautiful, yes receives much attention, but all attention is not good. In her mind she thought that by connecting with him, she could be elevated to the ‘A-list’ and in the end they spoke 2-3 times I think, then it fizzled out as far as I know. He went quiet as his wife became pregnant and gave birth to their second child and he did not contact her again while I was there, and she actually complained about this to me! My reply was a curt ‘Well I told you before he doesn’t give a fuck about you, his wife and children are more important to him, as they should be’. I feel writing this that I was possibly a pushover or being weak, I don’t think I am and I hope I don’t come across like that. I wanted to help her understand some of this behaviour and why it wasn’t ok, she literally didn’t get it. But of course when I flirted online with an old friend in London she was ‘devastated’. I did this sitting next to her, she ‘caught’ me and I wanted her to feel what it was like, perhaps this would make her understand the effect of this behaviour, but all it did was expose her selfishness and narcissism, as it was one rule for her and one for everyone else. There were many, many other instances. When we parted ways she actually was proud of herself that she didn’t cheat on me as she had never been faithful before to anyone. I told her ‘it’s nothing to be proud of, you are supposed to be faithful to your partner’. I had to watch her like hawk, and in the end I just decided I didn’t want to live like this, it’s not why I had married and I didn’t need the stress.
- I was told very quickly by her that her long term housemate and COO was ‘in love with me for the past 12 years’, and she actually said to me that she ‘uses him when in between boyfriends’.
- I am not ‘emotionally unavailable’, as published on her blogs. I had closed off to Black Swan as to have been emotionally vulnerable with her would be suicide. I had committed to a woman I had expected to have been my wife for the rest of my life. I went in knowing she had many problems and issues and had made a conscious decision to be there for her, a rock in the storminess of life, and her life in particular. What I did not expect was a constant undermining of myself, both public and private, and using her ‘community members’ to interfere in our marriage. Trying to charm then manipulate, then abuse and then finally use victimhood to get her way. All this was while I was watching over her so she can deliver on her ‘mission’.
- Black Swan did not mention in her last blog that when I left for the UK at the end of March 2015, the purpose was for us to take 3 months apart, work on our marriage and decide to be together or part ways. She was desperately trying to make it work in many different ways, going to a therapist, booking a place for me at ‘The Landmark Forum’, even completing The Landmark Forum herself in April/May 2015 and falsely claiming in a blog that meditating for two hours every day had inspired her to reconcile with her parents, when in truth reconciling with family members is a key part of their curriculum. She was doing everything but looking at her own behaviour and changing it, and by the tone of her blogs it appears that the reconciliation did not last very long.
- When I got back to London, deeply breathing in the cool crisp air with a touch of dampness, it was a familiar comfort to me. I slept for 4 days solidly, and I thought ‘Jeez, jetlag is really bad this time’. A good friend, former military man said to me ‘that’s not jetlag, it’s an adrenalin dump bruv’. And true to his words on the fifth day my whole body relaxed and became loose again. I had held so much tension, that I was not aware of. My movements felt fluid once more, how I had missed the fluidity of movement, and yet not even realised. A rash that developed on my right hand from stress had cleared up by itself in a week……………I could not ignore the information my body was feeding me…
- Now, switching back to Black Swan. Around 10 days after my return she had a workshop in San Francisco, this being the home town of Gecko and his family. We spoke the morning of the workshop and I was aware that Gecko had ingratiated himself with her work there, ‘volunteering’ to organise the community house and ‘helping’ with arrangements and attending a meeting at Stanford University with the intention to have her speak there, I understand from her that he was insulted by the person they met and nothing came of the Stanford meeting. Now what is interesting is that everyone knew he was after her, so we knew not to leave her alone with him, because there is a vulnerability to her and if she feels cornered will she will to anything to appease her assailant. In the conversation before the workshop she told me that at a dinner Gecko ‘triggered’ her into a disassociative state as he informed her his favourite food is foie gras, how that admission can send someone into a ‘disassociated ’ state I don’t quite know and in a disgusted tone she also told me that he confessed to her that he had cheated on his wife 5 times in the past year. (While at the same time trying to get her to cheat on me). I never liked the guy and you’ve probably worked out why by now.
- Fast forward to mid June and it was clear that we were not going to work, as on a personal level I didn’t like her, I hated her ego and her narcissism, her self obsession with her ‘emotions’ and ‘feelings’ as if nothing else mattered and no one else had emotions and feelings. I didn’t trust her anymore and I was rapidly losing respect for her. She hated my apathy and my ‘coldness’ and called me ‘British’, ‘pretentious’ and ‘emotionally unavailable’. Yes I am British and proud Brit, and yes I was emotionally unavailable to her as I was done with the soap opera aspect of the marriage. You can decide for yourself if I am ‘pretentious’, my writing will inform you well enough to have accurate discernment. I enjoyed working with her, loved the deal making and was preparing her for the world stage. She needed to clean up her act first though and I tried to help her understand that it is not about Fame, Money and being a Celebrity, but about helping people. Help the people and the fame, status and money will automatically come, should you desire it that badly…but don’t make it solely about that….in the long term it’s a recipe for disaster.
- So, back to mid June – It looked like we were going to part ways and I wanted to do it with mutual love, kindness and respect, despite all that had happened. One way of doing this was to represent her to achieve the best deal possible from her publisher. She was offered a $25,000 advance for her first book with them and she was about to sign on an offer of $50,000 advance for ‘her’ second book, ‘The Completion Process’ (I will write a whole blog on the sorry saga of ‘her’ process another time). I told her ‘Stop!, Wait! Don’t sign, I’ll get you a much better deal than that. Let me talk to the book agent I’ll get you $100,000, I know I can do it’. I spoke with the agent and said look, I know we can get $100,000, she took a sharp intake of breath, and I told her the reasons why. Her brand is growing, the numbers, how ‘her’ process will be marketed and used and how it was intended to be the bedrock of her teachings, she’s young, we can get another 20-30 years from this book at least. I sent her 5 or 6 bullet points that I wanted her to use to persuade Black Swan’s publisher that she was worth betting on. I also told the agent I’d like to renegotiate her contract and why, she agreed to this and said this was not that unusual to do but that could we do this after the offer is finalised with the publisher? I said yes, of course. Over the next 2 weeks or so emails went back and forth and the publisher did increase their offer to $100,000. I knew they would. I wanted to hit the psychologically important six figure number, as we had now reached a new plateau, one that will, or should only lead to the same or a higher offer next time. It was an investment in an exciting, new, edgy prospect. The agent and I discussed her contract and as she was not responsible for securing the deal but her expertise was useful for the intricate aspects of the deal, I suggested cutting her fee from 15% of the advance and 15% royalties, to a flat 10% of the advance. My view was that Black Swan is worth investing in as a long term prospect and the agent agreed. I did this for Black Swan as it was an expression of love, to say that I care for you and for your best interests, we may not have worked as husband and wife but look, we can be kind and respectful to each other. I told her I did not want any money for this, just accept this as a gift from me. I could of course have asked for 5% or 10% and it easily would have justified my involvement.
- Now what happened next truly surprised me. I saw a photo of her at the hairdresser on her instagram account, her eyes seemed cold and hard and I could see cruelty and disdain in her smirk as she looked at herself in the mirror. I know her well and my instincts knew it was because she had met someone. A little bit of a shock as it was literally a day or two after we had agreed that we had hit the three month deadline we had given ourselves. I didn’t really want to know much about her life, just that we should divorce with love and kindness, no one wants anything from the other, let’s just do this respectfully. A close friend who had believed in our union had worked out that she was now seeing Gecko, he told her ‘you tell Sarb, or I will’. I racked my brains to think who she could be with and it felt cheap and tasteless that we hadn’t even filed for divorce let alone signed the paperwork and her legs had already flown open. But, sadly I can’t say I was surprised. So my friend hinted that it was Gecko, his face had come across my vision momentarily, but I thought to myself ‘no way, she’s got more taste than that’. I had hoped it wasn’t him 1) Because we were still married and he was pursuing her during the course of the marriage, the message that gives out is awful. 2) He was viewed as a pot bellied, middle aged, mid level manager type trying to get in with a group of youngish hippy types, it seemed like someone’s dad had gate crashed the party. 3) Erm…his wife and children. 4) I hated the thought that deception, manipulation, trickery and treachery had worked, another awful message to put out into the world.
The real problem in the context of this situation is that she loves attention and adoration from wherever it comes and I could not and did not want to do anything about that. I just had to make a decision whether this was what I wanted in my life, and as you have gathered the answer is a definitive No. If it had not been him, it would have been someone from any handful of passers by that gave her attention, the only reason it is Gecko is because he was the most persistent, sending gifts and emails and finally she could not hold back any longer and she admitted that she had caved in through tears to a friend. The sad part is that she did suffer some child abuse and this has deeply damaged her ability to discern in relationships. Truth is, if she were a person with a high level of self worth, she would not be with him. She constantly used to insult him behind his back, then to do a complete 180 degree turn and claim now she is cured and this is the love of her life, does that sound like a balanced, healthy person?
She mentioned in her latest blog that she had attended SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), implying she is now ‘sober’. She had attended 1-2 meetings and 3 at most last year, she is not cured, she’s deeply in the grip of her illness, and the most unconscious about it she has ever been. Having to insist a number of times on her blog that she’s sober is an indication of this. Like a drunk who stinks of booze, claiming they are now sober because they went to AA a couple of times. When I went back to London she was shattered and in truth she is still desperately hurt by our break up and like a scavenger, he fed on the rotten carcass of our relationship. She, like a junkie who was trying to sober up and I was really hoping this time she would make a healthy break, was trying to go cold turkey, I even found a residential retreat in California that she could attend for her illness. But, like a pimp, he waved the needle in front of her and in the end she just couldn’t hold off for long enough and the warm, glow of her addiction was pulsating back through in her body again.
It is a pity that she couldn’t just get on with her life and leave me alone to get off with my life. But, part of the illness is that in order to make herself ‘right’, I and others have to be ‘wrong’. ‘This time I am cured, my ex was just a part of my old damaged pattern and now I’m healthy and sober’. By implying and misleading there is something wrong me with, it absolves her of her own responsibility. Everyone knows things will crash hard this time, it’s so predictable, it’s boring, and I have done the best I can to distance myself from this inevitability.
She also lied once more on the latest blog when saying that she has broken her pattern and deliberately waited to get married this time. The fact is she couldn’t get married as she was still married up until a few weeks ago, our divorce only finalising in December, as did his. Each to their own, but no more manipulations or lies will be tolerated. If I am lying, then I openly invite Black Swan to publish the divorce certificate and prove me wrong.
I am saddened that things worked out the way that have done, and that she could not just get on with her life without the abuse. I had expected us to have been friends and remain on good terms for the rest of our lives and feel sad for her in her illness, but she has been so nasty and manipulative to me and others I have decided to step forward with this blog now, as it has been nearly a year since I left Utah and I am still being attacked, directly and indirectly. If she were just able to get on with her life without vilifying me I would not have written this blog, and the others that will follow. I’m also horrified how Gecko’s ex wife has been treated by him and Black Swan, why attack a mother of two kids who is rebuilding her life? That lady has been very dignified and noble in her silence. I think it is shameful to use a public platform, especially one intended to share spiritual teachings as a weapon to attack others.
So now I respond, and I will be responding in full.
I have ‘shadows’ too of course, I’ve never claimed to be perfect, and they have assumed that because I prefer privacy as opposed to an untruthful and misleading ‘openness’ that I would not respond or ever speak publicly, so in the future I will write frankly about my shadows and shortcomings and will explain why they were created in the hope that it can it can inspire and help others, and also to save Black Swan the trouble of ‘exposing’ me.
I will now be addressing every time Black Swan lies, manipulates, deceives and exaggerates. I fully expect her to respond nastily, and certainly the desperate state of victimhood will be milked heartily: ‘Poor me, why did this happen to me, why has my ex husband joined my haters’. I am prepared for all eventualities. I will release a blog around once a week, as and when appropriate. This blog is an introduction, a flavour of things to come, and is longer than I expected it to be. I will release some documents that will authenticate and confirm what I write. I will give a voice to the voiceless, and I will expose lies, deceit and inauthenticity.
I will also be writing about much more interesting and useful topics, and will eventually focus only on these topics, that enhance our life experience. These will include the ‘5 Minute Masterclass’ series, ‘Economy of Movement’, and a new take on ‘Honouring our Ancestors’ for example. I want you to join me on this journey. Pursuing fame and posting photos of myself doesn’t interest me, I’m interested in sharing this journey with like minded people and seeing what emerges from this, and where it leads us. I also feel a responsibility to honour the legacy of my dear friend and teacher, Stuart Wilde. I will pay respect to his teachings.
Finally, Thankyou to all the people that have written to me asking me to speak, write and to create a platform. I have done this because you have asked me. Thankyou for your emails and messages of support. It is remarkable to me to still receive daily messages from people from all over the world, having never met and to receive so much kindness and warmth from complete strangers. I endeavour to reply to each and every person, forgive me if I have not done so yet.
I’ll develop this site, and if you want to keep in touch, receive updates and take part in discussion, please click on this link: Sarb Swan.
Now, let the games begin.
See you around.